Serving as the executor (or, if female, executrix) of a family member’s estate has its challenges. Even if you know you are named in the will and have talked about it with the family member ahead of time, it can still be overwhelming when the moment comes to actually serve and carry out the responsibilities.

I am an estate planning attorney by training, and I am the executrix for my mother’s estate. Mum told me she named me as her executrix, yet when my brother called to tell me she had passed away, nothing prepared me for the actual moment. My brain automatically kicked over into my professional world and said, “Contact the attorney, ask for the will, order at least 10 death certificates and find out how long probate takes.” However, even with my knowledge and understanding of estate settlement, undertaking the role for my own family was a different experience.      

I hope my top 10 tips will be helpful for others who also may serve as executor for a family member.

1) Death, be not proud: This will be a tough and emotionally draining time. As easy and trite as it sounds, try to give yourself time off from work and also from your new part-time job of settling your loved one’s estate. Throughout the process, take breaks to do whatever helps you feel more grounded. For example, go for a walk or run, see a friend or watch a movie.

2) Out of state, out of mind: If your family member lives in another state, the rules may differ from the probate rules in your own state, so be prepared for unexpected timelines and nuances. I was pleasantly surprised at how short the time frame was in Pennsylvania to be appointed as executrix. I wasn’t, however, prepared to actually appear in person at the probate court to be sworn in by the clerk. It is crucial to hire a local attorney to assist with estate administration, as the attorney will know the state rules, tax filing requirements and probate deadlines.     

3) Take it easy: I have the good fortune to understand estate administration, but for most people, the process is new and the terminology can be foreign. You and your family members will have many questions. Be prepared to ask questions of your advisors and to pass on that information to your family members in the simplest terms possible. 

4) Divide to conquer: Your family members may have strong feelings regarding the tangible personal property of the deceased family member. Your job as executor is to see how the items are distributed in the will, and to check if the deceased family member left any other written guidance. If two people want the same item, and the will doesn’t direct how to distribute it, one option may be to come up with a plan that all agree to. For example, draw numbers from a hat or toss a coin. When in doubt or if disagreements still prevail, ask the attorney who is handling the estate administration for advice on moving forward.

5) Everyone needs a team captain and cheerleader: My mother lived in assisted living. The residence rules required us to clean out her apartment within 30 days of her date of death. While a month may sound generous, the days fly by as you deal with the initial grief and start to plan the cleaning and moving out. This is a great opportunity to bring in other family members to help. You can all feel you are doing this together, and having more hands available will make the process go more quickly. When dividing up the work, play to people’s strengths. For example, my brother is very good at sorting through paperwork, so he took care of my mother’s files. My sister-in-law is a star packer, so she packed up the kitchen and the closets. As executor, your job is to do your part to help and keep it all moving.

6) Expect the unexpected: One of the challenges with distributing the tangibles is that family members may not actually want the items that the deceased left. Get creative: See what you can do to either donate or sell items that no one wants. My mother left her piano to a sibling, but the sibling didn’t want it. We then had to figure out how to have the piano moved by the 30-day deadline. Ultimately, the piano was donated to a church that gratefully accepted it and was thrilled to have it for their music program. This was a great outcome. Try to review the tangibles early on, and think about items that may not be wanted or might be hard to donate (such as books, clothing or a piano).  

7) Bring out your inner event planner: For anyone who has planned a large event, you are familiar with all of the details that go in to making the big day special. Memorial services and funerals can have many of the same planning requirements, especially if there is a reception after the service. Plan to work with caterers, florists, the place of worship and other service providers to help with the service and/or reception honoring the deceased person. 

8) Patience is a virtue: This will take time. Generally, estate administration can take at least a year, often two or three years for more complex estates. Mentally prepare. Even when you know the deadlines, it’s another thing to have to do the work and to know that this is your responsibility for however long it may take.

9) Family dynamics versus fiduciary duty: You may want to ask for your siblings’ or other family members’ opinions on certain issues or decisions to help them feel included and involved. The opinions of others may be welcome, but you have the fiduciary responsibility to handle details such as tax reporting, tracking expenses and monitoring any assets flowing into the estate after death. So while the inclusivity may help the family dynamics and introduce a sense of democracy to the process, at the end of the day, you have the final vote—no overrides from others, no filibusters. The buck literally stops with you.

10) Take the long view: At the end of the day, your relationships that remain are with the living. It will be an exercise in diplomacy. Explain again to anyone who is lost, confused or unclear what the legal terms mean and why they matter. Talk to your family members. Make sure they feel that what they’ve received follows the wishes of the deceased family member and his or her will (and isn’t arbitrary), and that there is no favoritism on your part. Hurt feelings and perceived slights will do more damage than any dollar value of items received or not received.

Finally, remember the departed, share stories, hug those in tears, be kind to those struggling with the loss, and allow yourself time to exhale as you work through this role. And hire a lawyer for estate administration and the tax returns.  

Liza Connelly is a fiduciary advisor for CIBC Private Wealth Management, with more than 25 years of industry experience. In this role, she works closely with the firm’s wealth strategies and relationship teams to provide fiduciary expertise and trust administration support, including trust review and acceptance, trust modification and review of other discretionary matters.