Tips from an adult caregiver: the emotional and the practical

As the average lifespan of people extends, more and more middle-aged adults find themselves involved in caregiving for their parents. For many, it is a new role, filled with unfamiliar conversations and decisions, and at times can feel overwhelming.

I recently started filling this role as my parents gradually started showing signs of the inevitable decline that comes with aging. As I began this journey, I found myself doing a lot of research and soul-searching to figure out how best to support my parents. As I’ve reflected on what I’ve learned — some lessons through trial and error — I have found that the steps that have helped me be a caregiver for my parents fall into one of two categories: the emotional and the practical.

Below are the tips I have learned on my own journey. I hope they can help others as they undertake this rewarding, yet sometimes difficult, role.
The emotional:

1. Talkearly and often. Ask your parents about their preferences: where they’d prefer to live, who they’d like to take care of them, and at what times, events, or milestones these answers might change. If that is overwhelming for them to think about, perhaps you can ask them to describe what they know they don’t want and go from there. Many of these conversations can be difficult, especially as you talk about financial issues, driving limitations, end of life care and funeral arrangements, but they are important to have so everyone is on the same page.
2. Be an open book. Acknowledge that this experience is uncharted territory for both you and your parents. It can be heartwarming and rewarding but also heartbreaking and scary. Your parents may worry about losing their autonomy and becoming a burden on you, and you may feel guilty, stressed and overwhelmed at times. Try to keep an open dialogue, be patient, and allow everyone the chance to express their thoughts and concerns along the way.
3. Phone home. Expect that there may be new feelings of anxiety or isolation that you haven’t seen your parents exhibit before. Be mindful that your parents’ social circle may be becoming smaller as their friends pass away or move into assisted living. Check in with them as regularly as you can, even if just to ask about their day or ask their advice about something. If your parent lives alone, perhaps do a quick daily check-in via phone or text.
4. Strength in numbers. Build up a support network for yourself and for your parents — for example, siblings, neighbors, religious organizations, specific illness support groups. If you have a full time job, consider talking with your employer about juggling your caregiving responsibilities with your job responsibilities. You will also need a contingency plan for how others can help when you are unavailable or if your own emergency arises.
5. Take your vitamins and eat your Wheaties. Think about your own limitations and strengths — physical, emotional and financial. Sometimes professional or other assistance may be a better alternative than you managing everything. For instance, are you physically able to assist with daily grooming? Do you know the best method for helping someone who has fallen? Are you generally an organized person? Do you have the financial resources to contribute if needed?

The practical:

1. Organization is your friend. Create a contact list of your parents’ doctors and other care providers and make a readily available list of medications they take regularly.  Beyond that, a directory of household service providers will be useful as your parents’ ability to deal with day-to-day matters at home declines.
2. What did the doctor say? Speaking of doctors, put on your advocate’s hat. At every medical appointment or phone call that you are part of, ask questions and take notes. Timelines of symptoms are also helpful to have on hand when talking to medical professionals, especially in times of stress or emergencies when even someone with a great memory can get flustered.
3. Safety first. If your parent needs assistance with walking and uses — or may eventually use — a cane, walker or wheelchair, check the width of doorways, determine where grab bars and shower chairs can be added in the bathroom, and think about alternatives to using stairs. Even the shortest thresholds on showers and doorways can be challenging for those with limited mobility so those will need to be addressed as well. And, even if it seems gimmicky, a fall alert device may be a good solution, especially if your parents don’t regularly carry their cell phones with them.
4. Taking care of business. Find out where important documents, such as deeds, beneficiary designations, tax returns and password lists, are kept. As part of that process you also will want to determine what estate planning documents — will, revocable trust, powers of attorney for health care and property — your parents have and where they store them. Once you know what they have and where they are, the documents and any beneficiary designations should be reviewed with an estate planning attorney to determine if any updates should, and can, be made.
5. Dollars and sense. If your parents are close to the vest with financial information, you might have to delicately ask about the details of their financial situation — for example, how are bills paid, what investments do they have, who are their advisors — and whether there is any long term care insurance. If possible, see if you can review the coverage details for their long term care insurance in advance of needing to use it since many policies have lifetime policy limits, number of day limits and waiting periods.
6. Moving on. Ask around for references for independent living, assisted living and nursing homes. If you have time, perhaps go on a tour in advance of the need. You may also want to find a home health aide referral service.
7. A marathon, a sprint or both. Depending on the health and vitality of your parents, the need for your caregiving may ebb and flow, sometimes seemingly by the day. Pace yourself and prioritize the tasks and conversations as they fit your situation and abilities. This will allow you to best respond when an emergency arises and to better enjoy the moments of status quo.

This may be a challenging and demanding time for you and your whole family. Communication, organization and planning can help. Take note of what works and what doesn’t, as you may also find yourself in the role of the aging parent in the future.
For more resources on aging or organizing important information, reach out to your CIBC Private Wealth advisor or visit our website.

Elizabeth Nichols is a senior wealth strategist for CIBC Private Wealth in Houston with over 25 years of industry experience.